Finding Your “Peeps”

Peeps are people, not yellow marshmallow chicks. Here’s what my “peeps” had to say about finding theirs.

Having moved three times in the past two years — changing jobs, states, cities and neighborhoods — I noticed that the structures and frameworks for developing a community wherever I went were different with each move. I had not counted on how these changes would affect my psyche or my overall well-being. Then, a few weeks ago, a friend of mine said something to encourage me. She said, “You’ve just got to find your peeps.”

That comment prompted a note to a group of women who I have worked with, shared with, and have enjoyed, some for a score of years. In true market intelligence fashion, I asked them a series of questions, the answers to which were eye-opening.

In this age of “friends” when you judge your self-worth by how many “likes” you get on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter or Instagram, it’s nice to know that we are still looking for connection in the real world.

I was especially drawn to this topic after noticing two somewhat unrelated recent events: (1) the news that two mental health professionals from different parts of the country committed suicide and (2) reading this passage from Yuval Noah Harari’s new book “21 Lessons for the 21st Century”: “ If we don’t belong to any intimate community, we humans feel lonely and alienated.”

It is my belief that “peeps” fill a void and contribute greatly to your overall well-being. But, can “peeps” just be any “friend” that you are connected to via social media? How important is that “intimate community” of which Harari writes? I am not sure that my simple poll gives us any real answers, but it did help me feel more connected. Hopefully, you will find some answers for yourself and your peeps in these responses as well.

Please take a moment, connect with me, and let me know if this resonated or not.

A special thanks to my “peeps” for some lovely, thought-provoking feedback.

1. How did you find your special group of “peeps”?

Since most of my friends are professional women, it was no surprise that they found their peeps at work. Some of those who have retired lamented that connecting without that work environment is often difficult. For my peeps who are entrepreneurs or who are isolated by working from home, the effort to find peeps “took work.” And for some, being single added a different set of difficulties.

For most, work colleagues become friends especially those with a common background. Business contacts can grow to peeps as you start out with getting to know someone when you find out if there is “an intrinsic common interest.” That common interest often leads to different flavors of peeps — peeps for yoga, for running, for shopping, for associations or local business groups.

One of my peeps shared a great visual image. She said that when she thought of her peeps, she thought of concentric circles. She wrote, “My core circle consists of peeps who’ve known me for most of my adult life. Much smaller in numbers. Distance doesn’t matter. We don’t even need to speak to each other on a monthly basis. But, when we do get together or talk, we pick up where we last left off. Other circles are dependent on key activities of my life.”

For most, longevity counts when identifying your peeps. However, it’s not always a factor. Most said that they have peeps both from decades past and from those who they have only recently made spontaneous connections that stick.

Our changing society is also putting a damper on some of my peeps search for their supportive and accepting community. Some spoke of shifting neighborhoods, security gates not conducive to “dropping by”, and lifestyles that don’t require that you know your neighbor.

2. How important is getting together with your peeps on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being “Not so important” and 5 being “I’ll cancel anything to get together.”

Keeping connected is important. On average, the response was a 4 or “let’s do lunch next week because I haven’t seen you in a while.” But for special peeps, all said they would drop anything. Here different peeps get different responses and connecting was especially important during significant times like holidays or personal crises. One comment struck me, “I let them interrupt me.”

Getting together could mean a phone call or a thoughtful email or text. It didn’t have to be a face-to-face meeting. One peep said, “I tend to pick up the phone and always be the person calling as I just love hearing people’s voices because they bring so much more to me than just text or email. Several (peeps) have said they’re happy I do that and are always thinking of them.”

Like a lot of things, staying connected grows harder with age. One of my peeps said, “This has grown important to me as I grow older. I think this requires conscious effort now, whereas I used to cross paths often with my peeps.”

3. What is the major thing that your special peeps provide?

Although at least one of my peeps thought this was too big a question, most said that peeps provide connection, honesty, acceptance, advice, good stories, humor, camaraderie, companionship, inclusion, understanding, a listening ear, friendship, validation, and shared common values.

As one peep said that their special peeps “provide friendship, opportunity to share life — the good, the bad, and the ugly — because they know me. Their insights and opinions are extremely valuable; being with them leads to laughter and tears and deep connection.”

4. How often do you talk with your peeps?

Like good consultants, my peeps were quick to answer this question with a “it depends.” Some peeps, they said, were weekly contacts, some monthly, some a few times a year. But all agreed that they felt they could reach out whenever they needed. One special comment suggested weaving contact into your schedule: “I love it when there is a rhythm or schedule to connect.”

Unlike daily phone calls to their mothers, my peeps weren’t willing to grant their peeps a daily contact, although they might admit that they didn’t connect often enough. Most blamed today’s hectic pace.

5. Do you think this concept of “peeps” extends beyond friends to acquaintances as well?

Resounding answer to this question was “Not all peeps are created equal. And acquaintances are not peeps.” Their reasoning? “I constantly have to choose who are the peeps in order to make the time for them.” Acquaintances don’t make the cut unless they have crossed over to become friends. And sometimes, when a peep is very close to a common acquaintance, then she could get included.

As I was finishing this article, I noticed that all my peeps are female even though I have very close male friends (like my adorable husband who pointed this out to me.) Since I set this up to discuss the “intimate community” of peeps, I recognize that instead of being totally inclusive I’ve been unconsciously exclusive. Like cliques in junior high, we develop close associations with those people who think like us, act like us, and share our values. With the emergence and spread of the #MeToo movement, female peeps are finding new reasons to commune.

This new community may need to learn to incorporate differences better. If we recognize that our peeps are our connections and fulfill our basic human need for intimacy, then our responsibility is to extend our connections to others whose ideas, ethnicity, or gender orientation might be different from our own.